to love or be loved?

boo. today is 28feb2009. tmr will be 1mar2009. which was supposed to be a special day. marks the 2nd year we will have been together. i rmb saying last december that if something couldnt be accomplished, lets not celebrate our 2nd year. since the meaning would no longer be there. and see how true my words are. i cursed my own relationship. i didnt want to. but that thing really matter to me a lot. its signifies our start. i'm sorry. really.

boo. today. tonight. i was wondering who was the one who kept telling you stuffs about me. and after which you will come and question me. and rather let me doubt you scold you blame you than tell me who that guy is. i wont hate that guy. i just want to know who he was. so that i will know whether this person was my friend. and whether this person really knows me. knows me well enough to tell you those things that he said. boo. stories that he told you. i dont know how much he did. but it was enough for you to doubt me. saddened me at that time. that i had lost your trust. that you did not trust me. boo. even after repeated assurance. it didnt work.

last year. didnt get to celebrate 1st year. cos you were in camp.
this year. next year. years on. will never get to celebrate it anymore.

your presents are still with me. and i've a hunch that they will be passed to you this weekend. and most prob on sun. which isnt a good idea. i dont want you to emo. i dont want you to be unhappy. maybe i should pass them to you later. maybe i should bring them to your house only when you're in taiwan. so that you can focus there. so that you wont be distracted. so that you will be careful. so that you wil take care. so that you will come back here in 1piece. so that you will come back here safe and sound. see how baa. boo. take care and be careful in taiwan okayy. dont injure yourself. please.

was talking to my friend. had a sudden emo attack. then we were saying. to love or to be loved. both are equally xingfu so long as you are willing to do so. true. but everyone is selfish. they wanna find a person who loves them more than they love the other party. me. i just wanna find someone who reciprocates my love. who shows me that they love me. i'm not hoping already. few weeks ago, i was still thinking. there's still that thought lingering at the back of my mind that when you are back from taiwan, you would have thought things through, you would be able to understand and look at us from another perspective. and we'll be back together. but as time goes by, i'm not hoping already. i guess its impossible. i want it. but i dont want it. boo. the only way i get to know about you nowadays is through facebook. thats the only way. i no longer see you on msn. which makes me wonder whether you're appearing offline. or you've blocked me. but either way. if they make you feel better. if they make you recover faster. then be it. whichever that is beneficial to you. i miss talking to you. i just want to know and make sure you're alright. mutual friends that we had. even if i ask them. they wont know. cos you're good at concealing your emotions. or should i say. you wont reveal anyth to anyone. i dont want you to be like that. i dont want you to be hiding everyth and taking everyth on your own. i dont want you to seal yourself up. i dont want you to be so sad. i dont want you to be so hard on yourself. i want you to be happy. i long to see you smile again. though i know i cannot. i dont have the ability or am not in the stand to make you happy to make you smile to make you laugh again. i know i broke your heart, at the same time that my heart is broken into a thousand million peices. please heal okay? please be alright okay? please be happy okay? i hope you'll still keep your promise, that you'll be happy. please be alright okay. please take lotsa care about yourself okay?

we've come to the end of the road.
we're just not meant to be.
time will heal all wounds.
time will fix your broken heart.

i'm determined to not fall back into the same old cycle again. i'm trying hard to move on. its not easy to let go of you. but i have to. so i can be free. so you can be free. so you can lead the life you've always wanted.

i miss you.
but i know. no matter what. we'll never be more than friends in future.

better.in.time

~leona lewis~

(Ooooh)

It's been the longest winter without you I didn't know where to turn to

See somehow I can't forget you After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock Who's there no one

Thinking that I deserve it Now I realize that I really didn't know

If you didn't notice you mean everything

Quickly I'm learning to love again

All I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]

Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV Without something there to remind me

Was it all that easy To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh

Hurt my feelings but that's the path I'll believe in

And I know time will heal it

If you didn't notice boy you mean everything

Quickly I'm learning to love again

All I know is I'mma be ok

[Chorus:]

Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to

It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me It's time I let you go

So I can be free

And live my life how it should be

No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you

Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]

Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too

It'll all get better in time

Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)

It'll all get better in time

letting go and not letting go...

boo. letting go and not letting go. both hurts. letting go hurts. cos i'll lose you forever. but deep down. i know no matter how you feel towards me today, you wont come back to me. when a guy doenst want someth anymore, no amount of coaxing, msging, talking, trying will get him back. nothing will make him come back to you. nothing can waver his decision. but still. i dont want to let go of the memories i have with him. everyth moment was worth it. no matter what. but i have to let go, right? if i dont, i will sink deeper and deeper into it. keep thinking you will come back. keep thinking time apart will make you see things clearer from another perspective. think whyy i did certain thing. think how things between us could have turn out better.

Tiang says:

i mean, even how bad u react to the breakup
it doesn't change anything
u cry
stil the same
u smile
still the same
why not pick the easy way out
rather than making urself so bad

but you know how freaking difficult it is for yourself to put up a fake front in front of everyone. to try hard to let everyth be how they were. to live life the way it is. you know how hard it is to smile and laugh in front of everyone. try hard to hold back your tears. to suppress your emotions. to not let that pandora box-full of memories to be unleashed and set the tears on? i dont want to be like that. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. can i? boo. i dont want to cry. i wont cry. i wont let myself cry. fine. i'm accepting the fact that we wont be together ever again. but accepting it doesnt mean i'm having a easier time. accepting it doesnt mean i dont feel the hurt thats sticking. the hurt of losing you of losing everyth that i've put in in the past 2years. boo. i want to be happy. i know its a matter of choice. but i'm really trying hard to make myself be better. i'm trying hard to recover.

a relationship no matter what is not only about yourself. not letting go people around me will worry about me. i cannot let them worry about me. i even more dont want you to worry about me. no matter whether you do or not. for you. for me. for everyone who cares about me. it is something that has to be done. no mater how unwilling i am.

clinging on to that teeny weeny strand of hope. whyy? whyy make yourself suffer so much.

do you still love me?
you assured me you loved me before so many things happen.
so do you?

but its just a thought. it doesnt really matter anymore.

boo. i think i was very harsh to kellyn today. i'm so sorry dear. but because i'm going through the same thing as you. i think i have to. i dont want to see you in so much agony. it hurts me a lot. it hurts all of us who cares for you. i'm sorry dear. really sorry.

giving thanks.

THANKS!
to everyone who's been there for me.

my family.
(not asking trying to let things be normal, being VERY tolerant.)
sharon.

my dear darling who's now promoted to my FIRST bf. haha.=D
(she drills everyth in. although i dont listen to her a lot laa.)

(stupid girl. stop crying for us.)
fred
(my one month priority ending le. so sadddd.=C)
tiang/mag/chinglee/jesslyn/ken
(i know i torture you all a lot laa. SORRY!=ppp sorry tiang ahh. for all the nailmarks. LOL thanks to mag for all the dont think too much laa. thanks to chinglee and jesslyn for making time to go out with me and making everyth so fun. and whyy ken i duno. maybe its your crap laa.=p)

kellyn natalia xinle zheya and all my girlfriends.

and everyone around me.
who've asked me how i am.
who've tell me to be strong.
who've encouraged me to move on.

first blog~!=ppp be a happy happy girl.

hellohellohello!=DDD

hellohellohello!=DDD hellohellohello!=DDD hellohellohello!=DDD

i set up a blog! but i think i'm lazyyy to maintain it laa huhh. haha. but at least its a channel for voicing out my thoughts, for venting, for blah blah blah. at least a way to let things out. a way to make you guys worry about me lesser. i'm hoping this first entry wont be a really long one. TRY.=ppp

gotta toughen myself up this time. cannot fall back into the same old cycle. not letting things out. not wanting you all to worry. but there's emo attacks. late at night. thinking of you thinking of everyth we've been through. everywhere i go. everyth reminds me of you. ought to let myself slowly let things go. difficult but necessary.

haha. some damage cannot be reversed. some hurt cannot be undone. some pain will be there forever.

but like what nat said. happiness is yours to control. i'm trying my best to be like that. to not let myself wallow in it. to not let myself keep falling back in it. its very difficult. i think of the start how were together. 2years ago. when we were happily msging each other, able to talk about everyth. how you encouraged me to take the step forward. how on 010307 you grabbed my hand and we were together. how on 200207 you told me you like me. how the 2years with you started. 2years of my life. its a happy chapter no matter what happened between us. i know if you read this, you will disapprove of what i'm doing. of telling everyone whats happening. but i trying this way so i can get things out of me, so i dont keep bottling up. i'm sorry. i haven even been crying out. boo. i know i'm not being normal. i know i'm taking things too well. abnormally well. last night. i was reminded of a certain someone who badmouthed me at the start of us. i hate that. you dont go round telling people's bf tales. things that are not true at all. its just plain evil laa. you dont even know me. dont badmouth me. you idiot. you bitch. boo.=X haiz. but then again. things are over. i shouldnt be bothered by them. i look at our photos. we took a lot. haha. i wonder why. i'm not photogenic. i always dont look as good as you. but taking photos was fun. it keeps memories. so you can look back and smile when you see the photos. but last night i couldnt smile. i saw the photos and i cried and cried and cried. i couldnt control it. i couldnt stop the tears from falling. photos from 3months ago, we were still smiling happily. then look at now. everyth is over. nothing will come back. i still rmb day2 of cny. when we met. when you hug me and kiss me the way i like. but that will never come back i know. it will just be locked up in my heart. i look at the necklace you gave me. the one that says you love me. but then again. i know i'll never hear it again. i look at the bears on my bear. you were my big brown bear. haha. dont rmb who started the bear thing. i'm thankful for the happy memories we had. thanks for everyth. i hope i was a good gf to you. i hope i didnt disappoint you a lot. but i know i made you angry a lot of times. so much things happened between us. i'm sorry for grad night. sometimes i really cannot figure out whyy/how we end up in arguements. i can rmb all the dates that special things took place. the days of big quarrels. i know we didnt start with blessings with a lot of people. those people that didnt think we will last, should be happy and glad now. you taught me not to bother too much with what other people are thinking and just believe in it. i learnt it. maybe both of us are selfish. maybe both of us are stubborn. mayb we are just not meant to be. time will pass. wounds will heal. i dont want you to emo. i dont want you to be unhappy. your birthday presents. still with me. i'll pass them to you. b4 you go to taiwan. i have to. someth i have to do. maybe a form of closure. maybe. i duno. but i know i have to do it. dardar. thanks. and sorry. i think my blog entry and the tittle doesnt match. so emo. but i agree. its a good way to let things out. thanks kellyn. i'm trying hard to mug. trying hard not to think too much. but late nights suck. late nights give you emo attacks. yuckk.

to you: be happy okayy. dont emo le. jiayous jiayous okay! i cannot be around you to cheer you up, to jiayous for you, to make your day, to always be there for you. things wont ever be back to how they were. after trying for so many times (i know you gave your best), thanks for everyth. thanks for your love, thanks for your care and concern, thanks for your tolerance. sorry for all the unhappy moments. i owe you a very big thank you for making me a better person than before. dont so stubborn le laa. be nice to girls. yao xing fu okayyy.........

**i'm sorry for it being so freaking long.=ppp thanks for bearing with it. if you read till the end.