letting go and not letting go...

boo. letting go and not letting go. both hurts. letting go hurts. cos i'll lose you forever. but deep down. i know no matter how you feel towards me today, you wont come back to me. when a guy doenst want someth anymore, no amount of coaxing, msging, talking, trying will get him back. nothing will make him come back to you. nothing can waver his decision. but still. i dont want to let go of the memories i have with him. everyth moment was worth it. no matter what. but i have to let go, right? if i dont, i will sink deeper and deeper into it. keep thinking you will come back. keep thinking time apart will make you see things clearer from another perspective. think whyy i did certain thing. think how things between us could have turn out better.

Tiang says:

i mean, even how bad u react to the breakup
it doesn't change anything
u cry
stil the same
u smile
still the same
why not pick the easy way out
rather than making urself so bad

but you know how freaking difficult it is for yourself to put up a fake front in front of everyone. to try hard to let everyth be how they were. to live life the way it is. you know how hard it is to smile and laugh in front of everyone. try hard to hold back your tears. to suppress your emotions. to not let that pandora box-full of memories to be unleashed and set the tears on? i dont want to be like that. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. can i? boo. i dont want to cry. i wont cry. i wont let myself cry. fine. i'm accepting the fact that we wont be together ever again. but accepting it doesnt mean i'm having a easier time. accepting it doesnt mean i dont feel the hurt thats sticking. the hurt of losing you of losing everyth that i've put in in the past 2years. boo. i want to be happy. i know its a matter of choice. but i'm really trying hard to make myself be better. i'm trying hard to recover.

a relationship no matter what is not only about yourself. not letting go people around me will worry about me. i cannot let them worry about me. i even more dont want you to worry about me. no matter whether you do or not. for you. for me. for everyone who cares about me. it is something that has to be done. no mater how unwilling i am.

clinging on to that teeny weeny strand of hope. whyy? whyy make yourself suffer so much.

do you still love me?
you assured me you loved me before so many things happen.
so do you?

but its just a thought. it doesnt really matter anymore.

boo. i think i was very harsh to kellyn today. i'm so sorry dear. but because i'm going through the same thing as you. i think i have to. i dont want to see you in so much agony. it hurts me a lot. it hurts all of us who cares for you. i'm sorry dear. really sorry.