1mar2009.

boo. stupid me. accidentally pressed someth and removed all that i typed.
stupid girl.

today. 1mar2009. day731.

was supposed to be a happy day if none of all these happened. if we were still together. if i managed to keep you with me. but its not possible ever again. i was preparing myself for today. hoping i wont emo too much. but its not working. i cannot help but to keep thinking of the past. of what we've been through. of all the happy things. sad things. that one occasion when you came over to my house to surprise me when you said you were going to play bball. you saying dont want to see me, then i go le hor. you laughing and asking me to open the door. very touched. cos it wasnt things that you would normally do. its not easy to melt your heart. its not easy, near impossible, to have you let someone into your heart. i am happy, honoured, to be able to do that.
but i know, i'll never be able to do that again.

i've put away your photos, tore up the one in my wallet (hoping to force myself to end things there and then, but not working. again), the bag you gave me last valentine, the presents you made for me, the movie ticket studs of almost all the movies that we've watched. twilight was the last. on 24dec2008. but the 3d heart puzzle you gave me. (i'm seeing it everywhere. popular. times. everytime i see it. everytime i'm reminded of the one you gave me. the christmas presents that you gave me. what you brought back from hongkong. what you didnt really feel like giving cos of grad night. but still you gave.) the bears you gave me. 1 small grey one. 1 small grey tarty bear. 1 big white bear for my birthday last last year. 1 big brown bear for my birthday last year. 1 small brown bear for my birthday last year too. all bears. cos you were my big brown bear. and that black pig. the one you liked a lot also. the one you always like to hug and play with it when you're over at my house. haha. the way you play with soft toys. really cute. really fun. haha. these things are still on my bed on my table on my shelf. but still. my room is really empty without you. it feels. empty. feels as if someth is missing. i miss you. i really do.

saw you online yest. after a month or so. i was wondering if i was blocked or you were appearing offline most of the time. you signed in with your gmail account. not your usual hotmail account. which is. not normal. but then again. it might be just me thinking too much. but yest wasnt exactly the best time for me to see you online. not especially when today was going to be such a special day. for you and me. but then. never again. i think both of us are not having a easy time now baa. refraining from contacting you. hoping that it will make things easier for you. you wont contact me already. that i know. though i always say i wont contact you if we breakup, but i really didnt mean it. i want to see you, to hear your voice, to feel your touch. but i know its not possible ever again. boo. not possible. boohoo. i miss you. dardar. i really do.

emo elmo.
emo nemo.
thats me. i dont want you to be like that too..

if we were given a choice.
would you choose to start all over again?
or let things be as it is now?
or rather none of all this ever happened?

missing you. falling tears. trying to keep myself together. sometimes i wish i were like you kellyn. able to let things out. but i think i'm well-known for bottling up. having a more difficult time from putting on a brave front? maybe. watched tv. was saying a person will put up a brave front because deep down she was afraid. maybe. maybe i'm the one who's really afraid of changes. maybe i'm the one who refuses to let things go. maybe i'm the one who believes i am weak and so try even harder to show that i'm strong. maybe.

not possible anymore right?
we've come to the end of the road. you told me you dont want it anymore.
both of us fought hard to be together.

move on, shall we?
dardar, time to move on le. dont torture yourself. dont always be unhappy. dont be too saddd le. you'll find someone nice, someone who truly deserve you, someone who always make you happy. a good church-going girl. someone who truly complement you. i'm just. not the one.
JIAYOUS!
要幸福!!

today. 1mar2009. day21. officially without you.

i still love you. but. we are not possible anymore right?
move on my love, move on. please.
be happy. even without me. please.