maybe its just all a dream.
just my one sided thoughts.
never thought that you were selfish. i only wanted more time with you.
i know i did not spend lots with you in the past.
least i'm trying to change things now and make it better.
sick. not feeling the best i could be.
yet, instead of feeling your care, i feel your leng ku.
never wanted to quarrel with you. whyy did you think so.
back together. so?
you never put the past behind.
no matter how much i've done.
did you see them?
when will you learn to care more?
i'm your dar.
not just anyone. i'm your dar.
if wanting you to pei me more. is my fault. then i'm sorry.
i'll never ever be like that again.
i'm alright with back to zi ji kang.
since when was i not.
i'll be fine.
like always.
just. today. i'm sick. tired. and heartbroken.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
1mar2009.
boo. stupid me. accidentally pressed someth and removed all that i typed.
stupid girl.
today. 1mar2009. day731.
was supposed to be a happy day if none of all these happened. if we were still together. if i managed to keep you with me. but its not possible ever again. i was preparing myself for today. hoping i wont emo too much. but its not working. i cannot help but to keep thinking of the past. of what we've been through. of all the happy things. sad things. that one occasion when you came over to my house to surprise me when you said you were going to play bball. you saying dont want to see me, then i go le hor. you laughing and asking me to open the door. very touched. cos it wasnt things that you would normally do. its not easy to melt your heart. its not easy, near impossible, to have you let someone into your heart. i am happy, honoured, to be able to do that.
but i know, i'll never be able to do that again.
i've put away your photos, tore up the one in my wallet (hoping to force myself to end things there and then, but not working. again), the bag you gave me last valentine, the presents you made for me, the movie ticket studs of almost all the movies that we've watched. twilight was the last. on 24dec2008. but the 3d heart puzzle you gave me. (i'm seeing it everywhere. popular. times. everytime i see it. everytime i'm reminded of the one you gave me. the christmas presents that you gave me. what you brought back from hongkong. what you didnt really feel like giving cos of grad night. but still you gave.) the bears you gave me. 1 small grey one. 1 small grey tarty bear. 1 big white bear for my birthday last last year. 1 big brown bear for my birthday last year. 1 small brown bear for my birthday last year too. all bears. cos you were my big brown bear. and that black pig. the one you liked a lot also. the one you always like to hug and play with it when you're over at my house. haha. the way you play with soft toys. really cute. really fun. haha. these things are still on my bed on my table on my shelf. but still. my room is really empty without you. it feels. empty. feels as if someth is missing. i miss you. i really do.
saw you online yest. after a month or so. i was wondering if i was blocked or you were appearing offline most of the time. you signed in with your gmail account. not your usual hotmail account. which is. not normal. but then again. it might be just me thinking too much. but yest wasnt exactly the best time for me to see you online. not especially when today was going to be such a special day. for you and me. but then. never again. i think both of us are not having a easy time now baa. refraining from contacting you. hoping that it will make things easier for you. you wont contact me already. that i know. though i always say i wont contact you if we breakup, but i really didnt mean it. i want to see you, to hear your voice, to feel your touch. but i know its not possible ever again. boo. not possible. boohoo. i miss you. dardar. i really do.
emo elmo.
emo nemo.
thats me. i dont want you to be like that too..
if we were given a choice.
would you choose to start all over again?
or let things be as it is now?
or rather none of all this ever happened?
missing you. falling tears. trying to keep myself together. sometimes i wish i were like you kellyn. able to let things out. but i think i'm well-known for bottling up. having a more difficult time from putting on a brave front? maybe. watched tv. was saying a person will put up a brave front because deep down she was afraid. maybe. maybe i'm the one who's really afraid of changes. maybe i'm the one who refuses to let things go. maybe i'm the one who believes i am weak and so try even harder to show that i'm strong. maybe.
not possible anymore right?
we've come to the end of the road. you told me you dont want it anymore.
both of us fought hard to be together.
move on, shall we?
dardar, time to move on le. dont torture yourself. dont always be unhappy. dont be too saddd le. you'll find someone nice, someone who truly deserve you, someone who always make you happy. a good church-going girl. someone who truly complement you. i'm just. not the one.
JIAYOUS!
要幸福!!
today. 1mar2009. day21. officially without you.
i still love you. but. we are not possible anymore right?
move on my love, move on. please.
be happy. even without me. please.
stupid girl.
today. 1mar2009. day731.
was supposed to be a happy day if none of all these happened. if we were still together. if i managed to keep you with me. but its not possible ever again. i was preparing myself for today. hoping i wont emo too much. but its not working. i cannot help but to keep thinking of the past. of what we've been through. of all the happy things. sad things. that one occasion when you came over to my house to surprise me when you said you were going to play bball. you saying dont want to see me, then i go le hor. you laughing and asking me to open the door. very touched. cos it wasnt things that you would normally do. its not easy to melt your heart. its not easy, near impossible, to have you let someone into your heart. i am happy, honoured, to be able to do that.
but i know, i'll never be able to do that again.
i've put away your photos, tore up the one in my wallet (hoping to force myself to end things there and then, but not working. again), the bag you gave me last valentine, the presents you made for me, the movie ticket studs of almost all the movies that we've watched. twilight was the last. on 24dec2008. but the 3d heart puzzle you gave me. (i'm seeing it everywhere. popular. times. everytime i see it. everytime i'm reminded of the one you gave me. the christmas presents that you gave me. what you brought back from hongkong. what you didnt really feel like giving cos of grad night. but still you gave.) the bears you gave me. 1 small grey one. 1 small grey tarty bear. 1 big white bear for my birthday last last year. 1 big brown bear for my birthday last year. 1 small brown bear for my birthday last year too. all bears. cos you were my big brown bear. and that black pig. the one you liked a lot also. the one you always like to hug and play with it when you're over at my house. haha. the way you play with soft toys. really cute. really fun. haha. these things are still on my bed on my table on my shelf. but still. my room is really empty without you. it feels. empty. feels as if someth is missing. i miss you. i really do.
saw you online yest. after a month or so. i was wondering if i was blocked or you were appearing offline most of the time. you signed in with your gmail account. not your usual hotmail account. which is. not normal. but then again. it might be just me thinking too much. but yest wasnt exactly the best time for me to see you online. not especially when today was going to be such a special day. for you and me. but then. never again. i think both of us are not having a easy time now baa. refraining from contacting you. hoping that it will make things easier for you. you wont contact me already. that i know. though i always say i wont contact you if we breakup, but i really didnt mean it. i want to see you, to hear your voice, to feel your touch. but i know its not possible ever again. boo. not possible. boohoo. i miss you. dardar. i really do.
emo elmo.
emo nemo.
thats me. i dont want you to be like that too..
if we were given a choice.
would you choose to start all over again?
or let things be as it is now?
or rather none of all this ever happened?
missing you. falling tears. trying to keep myself together. sometimes i wish i were like you kellyn. able to let things out. but i think i'm well-known for bottling up. having a more difficult time from putting on a brave front? maybe. watched tv. was saying a person will put up a brave front because deep down she was afraid. maybe. maybe i'm the one who's really afraid of changes. maybe i'm the one who refuses to let things go. maybe i'm the one who believes i am weak and so try even harder to show that i'm strong. maybe.
not possible anymore right?
we've come to the end of the road. you told me you dont want it anymore.
both of us fought hard to be together.
move on, shall we?
dardar, time to move on le. dont torture yourself. dont always be unhappy. dont be too saddd le. you'll find someone nice, someone who truly deserve you, someone who always make you happy. a good church-going girl. someone who truly complement you. i'm just. not the one.
JIAYOUS!
要幸福!!
today. 1mar2009. day21. officially without you.
i still love you. but. we are not possible anymore right?
move on my love, move on. please.
be happy. even without me. please.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
to love or be loved?
boo. today is 28feb2009. tmr will be 1mar2009. which was supposed to be a special day. marks the 2nd year we will have been together. i rmb saying last december that if something couldnt be accomplished, lets not celebrate our 2nd year. since the meaning would no longer be there. and see how true my words are. i cursed my own relationship. i didnt want to. but that thing really matter to me a lot. its signifies our start. i'm sorry. really.
boo. today. tonight. i was wondering who was the one who kept telling you stuffs about me. and after which you will come and question me. and rather let me doubt you scold you blame you than tell me who that guy is. i wont hate that guy. i just want to know who he was. so that i will know whether this person was my friend. and whether this person really knows me. knows me well enough to tell you those things that he said. boo. stories that he told you. i dont know how much he did. but it was enough for you to doubt me. saddened me at that time. that i had lost your trust. that you did not trust me. boo. even after repeated assurance. it didnt work.
last year. didnt get to celebrate 1st year. cos you were in camp.
this year. next year. years on. will never get to celebrate it anymore.
your presents are still with me. and i've a hunch that they will be passed to you this weekend. and most prob on sun. which isnt a good idea. i dont want you to emo. i dont want you to be unhappy. maybe i should pass them to you later. maybe i should bring them to your house only when you're in taiwan. so that you can focus there. so that you wont be distracted. so that you will be careful. so that you wil take care. so that you will come back here in 1piece. so that you will come back here safe and sound. see how baa. boo. take care and be careful in taiwan okayy. dont injure yourself. please.
was talking to my friend. had a sudden emo attack. then we were saying. to love or to be loved. both are equally xingfu so long as you are willing to do so. true. but everyone is selfish. they wanna find a person who loves them more than they love the other party. me. i just wanna find someone who reciprocates my love. who shows me that they love me. i'm not hoping already. few weeks ago, i was still thinking. there's still that thought lingering at the back of my mind that when you are back from taiwan, you would have thought things through, you would be able to understand and look at us from another perspective. and we'll be back together. but as time goes by, i'm not hoping already. i guess its impossible. i want it. but i dont want it. boo. the only way i get to know about you nowadays is through facebook. thats the only way. i no longer see you on msn. which makes me wonder whether you're appearing offline. or you've blocked me. but either way. if they make you feel better. if they make you recover faster. then be it. whichever that is beneficial to you. i miss talking to you. i just want to know and make sure you're alright. mutual friends that we had. even if i ask them. they wont know. cos you're good at concealing your emotions. or should i say. you wont reveal anyth to anyone. i dont want you to be like that. i dont want you to be hiding everyth and taking everyth on your own. i dont want you to seal yourself up. i dont want you to be so sad. i dont want you to be so hard on yourself. i want you to be happy. i long to see you smile again. though i know i cannot. i dont have the ability or am not in the stand to make you happy to make you smile to make you laugh again. i know i broke your heart, at the same time that my heart is broken into a thousand million peices. please heal okay? please be alright okay? please be happy okay? i hope you'll still keep your promise, that you'll be happy. please be alright okay. please take lotsa care about yourself okay?
we've come to the end of the road.
we're just not meant to be.
time will heal all wounds.
time will fix your broken heart.
i'm determined to not fall back into the same old cycle again. i'm trying hard to move on. its not easy to let go of you. but i have to. so i can be free. so you can be free. so you can lead the life you've always wanted.
i miss you.
but i know. no matter what. we'll never be more than friends in future.
boo. today. tonight. i was wondering who was the one who kept telling you stuffs about me. and after which you will come and question me. and rather let me doubt you scold you blame you than tell me who that guy is. i wont hate that guy. i just want to know who he was. so that i will know whether this person was my friend. and whether this person really knows me. knows me well enough to tell you those things that he said. boo. stories that he told you. i dont know how much he did. but it was enough for you to doubt me. saddened me at that time. that i had lost your trust. that you did not trust me. boo. even after repeated assurance. it didnt work.
last year. didnt get to celebrate 1st year. cos you were in camp.
this year. next year. years on. will never get to celebrate it anymore.
your presents are still with me. and i've a hunch that they will be passed to you this weekend. and most prob on sun. which isnt a good idea. i dont want you to emo. i dont want you to be unhappy. maybe i should pass them to you later. maybe i should bring them to your house only when you're in taiwan. so that you can focus there. so that you wont be distracted. so that you will be careful. so that you wil take care. so that you will come back here in 1piece. so that you will come back here safe and sound. see how baa. boo. take care and be careful in taiwan okayy. dont injure yourself. please.
was talking to my friend. had a sudden emo attack. then we were saying. to love or to be loved. both are equally xingfu so long as you are willing to do so. true. but everyone is selfish. they wanna find a person who loves them more than they love the other party. me. i just wanna find someone who reciprocates my love. who shows me that they love me. i'm not hoping already. few weeks ago, i was still thinking. there's still that thought lingering at the back of my mind that when you are back from taiwan, you would have thought things through, you would be able to understand and look at us from another perspective. and we'll be back together. but as time goes by, i'm not hoping already. i guess its impossible. i want it. but i dont want it. boo. the only way i get to know about you nowadays is through facebook. thats the only way. i no longer see you on msn. which makes me wonder whether you're appearing offline. or you've blocked me. but either way. if they make you feel better. if they make you recover faster. then be it. whichever that is beneficial to you. i miss talking to you. i just want to know and make sure you're alright. mutual friends that we had. even if i ask them. they wont know. cos you're good at concealing your emotions. or should i say. you wont reveal anyth to anyone. i dont want you to be like that. i dont want you to be hiding everyth and taking everyth on your own. i dont want you to seal yourself up. i dont want you to be so sad. i dont want you to be so hard on yourself. i want you to be happy. i long to see you smile again. though i know i cannot. i dont have the ability or am not in the stand to make you happy to make you smile to make you laugh again. i know i broke your heart, at the same time that my heart is broken into a thousand million peices. please heal okay? please be alright okay? please be happy okay? i hope you'll still keep your promise, that you'll be happy. please be alright okay. please take lotsa care about yourself okay?
we've come to the end of the road.
we're just not meant to be.
time will heal all wounds.
time will fix your broken heart.
i'm determined to not fall back into the same old cycle again. i'm trying hard to move on. its not easy to let go of you. but i have to. so i can be free. so you can be free. so you can lead the life you've always wanted.
i miss you.
but i know. no matter what. we'll never be more than friends in future.
Thursday, February 26, 2009
better.in.time
~leona lewis~
(Ooooh)
It's been the longest winter without you I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you After all that we've been through
Going coming thought I heard a knock Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
I couldn't turn on the TV Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy To just put aside your feelings
If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path I'll believe in
And I know time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'mma be ok
[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time
Since there's no more you and me It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will
[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
Even though I really love you I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to (yes I do)
It'll all get better in time
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
letting go and not letting go...
boo. letting go and not letting go. both hurts. letting go hurts. cos i'll lose you forever. but deep down. i know no matter how you feel towards me today, you wont come back to me. when a guy doenst want someth anymore, no amount of coaxing, msging, talking, trying will get him back. nothing will make him come back to you. nothing can waver his decision. but still. i dont want to let go of the memories i have with him. everyth moment was worth it. no matter what. but i have to let go, right? if i dont, i will sink deeper and deeper into it. keep thinking you will come back. keep thinking time apart will make you see things clearer from another perspective. think whyy i did certain thing. think how things between us could have turn out better.
it doesn't change anything
u cry
stil the same
u smile
still the same
why not pick the easy way out
rather than making urself so bad
but you know how freaking difficult it is for yourself to put up a fake front in front of everyone. to try hard to let everyth be how they were. to live life the way it is. you know how hard it is to smile and laugh in front of everyone. try hard to hold back your tears. to suppress your emotions. to not let that pandora box-full of memories to be unleashed and set the tears on? i dont want to be like that. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. can i? boo. i dont want to cry. i wont cry. i wont let myself cry. fine. i'm accepting the fact that we wont be together ever again. but accepting it doesnt mean i'm having a easier time. accepting it doesnt mean i dont feel the hurt thats sticking. the hurt of losing you of losing everyth that i've put in in the past 2years. boo. i want to be happy. i know its a matter of choice. but i'm really trying hard to make myself be better. i'm trying hard to recover.
a relationship no matter what is not only about yourself. not letting go people around me will worry about me. i cannot let them worry about me. i even more dont want you to worry about me. no matter whether you do or not. for you. for me. for everyone who cares about me. it is something that has to be done. no mater how unwilling i am.
clinging on to that teeny weeny strand of hope. whyy? whyy make yourself suffer so much.
do you still love me?
you assured me you loved me before so many things happen.
so do you?
but its just a thought. it doesnt really matter anymore.
boo. i think i was very harsh to kellyn today. i'm so sorry dear. but because i'm going through the same thing as you. i think i have to. i dont want to see you in so much agony. it hurts me a lot. it hurts all of us who cares for you. i'm sorry dear. really sorry.
Tiang says:i mean, even how bad u react to the breakup
it doesn't change anything
u cry
stil the same
u smile
still the same
why not pick the easy way out
rather than making urself so bad
but you know how freaking difficult it is for yourself to put up a fake front in front of everyone. to try hard to let everyth be how they were. to live life the way it is. you know how hard it is to smile and laugh in front of everyone. try hard to hold back your tears. to suppress your emotions. to not let that pandora box-full of memories to be unleashed and set the tears on? i dont want to be like that. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. i want to be happy. can i? boo. i dont want to cry. i wont cry. i wont let myself cry. fine. i'm accepting the fact that we wont be together ever again. but accepting it doesnt mean i'm having a easier time. accepting it doesnt mean i dont feel the hurt thats sticking. the hurt of losing you of losing everyth that i've put in in the past 2years. boo. i want to be happy. i know its a matter of choice. but i'm really trying hard to make myself be better. i'm trying hard to recover.
a relationship no matter what is not only about yourself. not letting go people around me will worry about me. i cannot let them worry about me. i even more dont want you to worry about me. no matter whether you do or not. for you. for me. for everyone who cares about me. it is something that has to be done. no mater how unwilling i am.
clinging on to that teeny weeny strand of hope. whyy? whyy make yourself suffer so much.
do you still love me?
you assured me you loved me before so many things happen.
so do you?
but its just a thought. it doesnt really matter anymore.
boo. i think i was very harsh to kellyn today. i'm so sorry dear. but because i'm going through the same thing as you. i think i have to. i dont want to see you in so much agony. it hurts me a lot. it hurts all of us who cares for you. i'm sorry dear. really sorry.
giving thanks.
THANKS!
to everyone who's been there for me.
to everyone who's been there for me.
my family.
(not asking trying to let things be normal, being VERY tolerant.)
sharon.
my dear darling who's now promoted to my FIRST bf. haha.=D
(she drills everyth in. although i dont listen to her a lot laa.)
(she drills everyth in. although i dont listen to her a lot laa.)
(stupid girl. stop crying for us.)
fred
(my one month priority ending le. so sadddd.=C)
tiang/mag/chinglee/jesslyn/ken
(i know i torture you all a lot laa. SORRY!=ppp sorry tiang ahh. for all the nailmarks. LOL thanks to mag for all the dont think too much laa. thanks to chinglee and jesslyn for making time to go out with me and making everyth so fun. and whyy ken i duno. maybe its your crap laa.=p)
fred
(my one month priority ending le. so sadddd.=C)
tiang/mag/chinglee/jesslyn/ken
(i know i torture you all a lot laa. SORRY!=ppp sorry tiang ahh. for all the nailmarks. LOL thanks to mag for all the dont think too much laa. thanks to chinglee and jesslyn for making time to go out with me and making everyth so fun. and whyy ken i duno. maybe its your crap laa.=p)
kellyn natalia xinle zheya and all my girlfriends.
and everyone around me.
who've asked me how i am.
who've tell me to be strong.
who've encouraged me to move on.
Monday, February 23, 2009
first blog~!=ppp be a happy happy girl.
hellohellohello!=DDD
hellohellohello!=DDD hellohellohello!=DDD hellohellohello!=DDD
i set up a blog! but i think i'm lazyyy to maintain it laa huhh. haha. but at least its a channel for voicing out my thoughts, for venting, for blah blah blah. at least a way to let things out. a way to make you guys worry about me lesser. i'm hoping this first entry wont be a really long one. TRY.=ppp
i set up a blog! but i think i'm lazyyy to maintain it laa huhh. haha. but at least its a channel for voicing out my thoughts, for venting, for blah blah blah. at least a way to let things out. a way to make you guys worry about me lesser. i'm hoping this first entry wont be a really long one. TRY.=ppp
gotta toughen myself up this time. cannot fall back into the same old cycle. not letting things out. not wanting you all to worry. but there's emo attacks. late at night. thinking of you thinking of everyth we've been through. everywhere i go. everyth reminds me of you. ought to let myself slowly let things go. difficult but necessary.
haha. some damage cannot be reversed. some hurt cannot be undone. some pain will be there forever.
but like what nat said. happiness is yours to control. i'm trying my best to be like that. to not let myself wallow in it. to not let myself keep falling back in it. its very difficult. i think of the start how were together. 2years ago. when we were happily msging each other, able to talk about everyth. how you encouraged me to take the step forward. how on 010307 you grabbed my hand and we were together. how on 200207 you told me you like me. how the 2years with you started. 2years of my life. its a happy chapter no matter what happened between us. i know if you read this, you will disapprove of what i'm doing. of telling everyone whats happening. but i trying this way so i can get things out of me, so i dont keep bottling up. i'm sorry. i haven even been crying out. boo. i know i'm not being normal. i know i'm taking things too well. abnormally well. last night. i was reminded of a certain someone who badmouthed me at the start of us. i hate that. you dont go round telling people's bf tales. things that are not true at all. its just plain evil laa. you dont even know me. dont badmouth me. you idiot. you bitch. boo.=X haiz. but then again. things are over. i shouldnt be bothered by them. i look at our photos. we took a lot. haha. i wonder why. i'm not photogenic. i always dont look as good as you. but taking photos was fun. it keeps memories. so you can look back and smile when you see the photos. but last night i couldnt smile. i saw the photos and i cried and cried and cried. i couldnt control it. i couldnt stop the tears from falling. photos from 3months ago, we were still smiling happily. then look at now. everyth is over. nothing will come back. i still rmb day2 of cny. when we met. when you hug me and kiss me the way i like. but that will never come back i know. it will just be locked up in my heart. i look at the necklace you gave me. the one that says you love me. but then again. i know i'll never hear it again. i look at the bears on my bear. you were my big brown bear. haha. dont rmb who started the bear thing. i'm thankful for the happy memories we had. thanks for everyth. i hope i was a good gf to you. i hope i didnt disappoint you a lot. but i know i made you angry a lot of times. so much things happened between us. i'm sorry for grad night. sometimes i really cannot figure out whyy/how we end up in arguements. i can rmb all the dates that special things took place. the days of big quarrels. i know we didnt start with blessings with a lot of people. those people that didnt think we will last, should be happy and glad now. you taught me not to bother too much with what other people are thinking and just believe in it. i learnt it. maybe both of us are selfish. maybe both of us are stubborn. mayb we are just not meant to be. time will pass. wounds will heal. i dont want you to emo. i dont want you to be unhappy. your birthday presents. still with me. i'll pass them to you. b4 you go to taiwan. i have to. someth i have to do. maybe a form of closure. maybe. i duno. but i know i have to do it. dardar. thanks. and sorry. i think my blog entry and the tittle doesnt match. so emo. but i agree. its a good way to let things out. thanks kellyn. i'm trying hard to mug. trying hard not to think too much. but late nights suck. late nights give you emo attacks. yuckk.
to you: be happy okayy. dont emo le. jiayous jiayous okay! i cannot be around you to cheer you up, to jiayous for you, to make your day, to always be there for you. things wont ever be back to how they were. after trying for so many times (i know you gave your best), thanks for everyth. thanks for your love, thanks for your care and concern, thanks for your tolerance. sorry for all the unhappy moments. i owe you a very big thank you for making me a better person than before. dont so stubborn le laa. be nice to girls. yao xing fu okayyy.........
**i'm sorry for it being so freaking long.=ppp thanks for bearing with it. if you read till the end.
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