to love or be loved?

boo. today is 28feb2009. tmr will be 1mar2009. which was supposed to be a special day. marks the 2nd year we will have been together. i rmb saying last december that if something couldnt be accomplished, lets not celebrate our 2nd year. since the meaning would no longer be there. and see how true my words are. i cursed my own relationship. i didnt want to. but that thing really matter to me a lot. its signifies our start. i'm sorry. really.

boo. today. tonight. i was wondering who was the one who kept telling you stuffs about me. and after which you will come and question me. and rather let me doubt you scold you blame you than tell me who that guy is. i wont hate that guy. i just want to know who he was. so that i will know whether this person was my friend. and whether this person really knows me. knows me well enough to tell you those things that he said. boo. stories that he told you. i dont know how much he did. but it was enough for you to doubt me. saddened me at that time. that i had lost your trust. that you did not trust me. boo. even after repeated assurance. it didnt work.

last year. didnt get to celebrate 1st year. cos you were in camp.
this year. next year. years on. will never get to celebrate it anymore.

your presents are still with me. and i've a hunch that they will be passed to you this weekend. and most prob on sun. which isnt a good idea. i dont want you to emo. i dont want you to be unhappy. maybe i should pass them to you later. maybe i should bring them to your house only when you're in taiwan. so that you can focus there. so that you wont be distracted. so that you will be careful. so that you wil take care. so that you will come back here in 1piece. so that you will come back here safe and sound. see how baa. boo. take care and be careful in taiwan okayy. dont injure yourself. please.

was talking to my friend. had a sudden emo attack. then we were saying. to love or to be loved. both are equally xingfu so long as you are willing to do so. true. but everyone is selfish. they wanna find a person who loves them more than they love the other party. me. i just wanna find someone who reciprocates my love. who shows me that they love me. i'm not hoping already. few weeks ago, i was still thinking. there's still that thought lingering at the back of my mind that when you are back from taiwan, you would have thought things through, you would be able to understand and look at us from another perspective. and we'll be back together. but as time goes by, i'm not hoping already. i guess its impossible. i want it. but i dont want it. boo. the only way i get to know about you nowadays is through facebook. thats the only way. i no longer see you on msn. which makes me wonder whether you're appearing offline. or you've blocked me. but either way. if they make you feel better. if they make you recover faster. then be it. whichever that is beneficial to you. i miss talking to you. i just want to know and make sure you're alright. mutual friends that we had. even if i ask them. they wont know. cos you're good at concealing your emotions. or should i say. you wont reveal anyth to anyone. i dont want you to be like that. i dont want you to be hiding everyth and taking everyth on your own. i dont want you to seal yourself up. i dont want you to be so sad. i dont want you to be so hard on yourself. i want you to be happy. i long to see you smile again. though i know i cannot. i dont have the ability or am not in the stand to make you happy to make you smile to make you laugh again. i know i broke your heart, at the same time that my heart is broken into a thousand million peices. please heal okay? please be alright okay? please be happy okay? i hope you'll still keep your promise, that you'll be happy. please be alright okay. please take lotsa care about yourself okay?

we've come to the end of the road.
we're just not meant to be.
time will heal all wounds.
time will fix your broken heart.

i'm determined to not fall back into the same old cycle again. i'm trying hard to move on. its not easy to let go of you. but i have to. so i can be free. so you can be free. so you can lead the life you've always wanted.

i miss you.
but i know. no matter what. we'll never be more than friends in future.